And it was in 2019 when I got the calling that I must be with Him. Absolutely from nowhere I felt this urge to seek Him and His company, though I never felt this urge or necessity ever before. But definitely, this urge had a background. Everything that happens, it happens for a reason. I was terribly broken and almost gave up on myself because I ran short of hopes and I was completely fed up of the situations. Moreover, I was both worried and afraid about my foes. for they were wealthy, resourceful and influential. I wasn't able to stand them. I was completely exhausted. There was always a fear and may be I made the fear grow bigger than what it was, in my thoughts, but it was definitely a huge burden.
I am a Christian because I'm baptized and my forefathers were Christians. Going to the Church was a ritual just because Christians are supposed to go to Church. Yes, the Holy Bible had a relevance but it never impacted me so much. Even this had a background. For, since my childhood I had seen and heard the pastors speaking ill about people of other religions and even their respective Gods, while I believed that Christianity teaches tolerance, forbearance and benevolence. To me, talking ill about others wasn't supposed to be a conduct of any holy man who preaches the Holy Bible. Further, I never found a single Christian who follows the commandment of loving thy neighbor. I'm still not able to find one, not even a single pastor who actually follows this commandment of our Lord.
"Hypocrites' is the most popular word among Christians and I've personally seen and heard people who are hypocrites themselves, using this word about others. Like, you'd often hear every liar say that the only thing in this world that they cannot tolerate is a lie. I find it both funny and sad.
I personally feel that Churches are a place of peace, the house of Almighty and the hospital of sinners but the extremely loud pitches of pastors and repetitions of words, like they are shouting to prove some point is so irrelevant. It takes away the element of peace in the Church. My religion is not loud and about fancy. Shouting with repetitions does not mean that the Lord is listening. He does not listen to your words or prayers depending upon the volume of your voice or the number of words that you use, for Matthew 6:6-8 says -
But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. And when your pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words. Therefore, do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.
These were some of the reasons that never let me come closer to Him as I mostly came across self praising Christians or the ones who knew every chapter and verse of the Holy Bible by heart, that even if you wake them up in the night and ask them about any verse, they'd tell you exactly the same word by word, yet never actually did I get to see them following the scripture. They were almost saints inside the Church and had a completely different personality outside, like they were hateful, revengeful, greedy, abusive and envious. I wondered, how could it be possible when someone attends the Church on every Sunday without fail and knows the holy scriptures word by word.
In 2019, I felt the urge to be in His company. I was badly in need of peace but I wasn't finding it anywhere, in anything or anyone. I almost got a calling, like - "Come to me my son". That urge to go to the Church and sit into His company was the calling. I decided to attend the evening service as it used to be in English and so I believed it to be quieter and more peaceful, with lesser number of people. I wanted to attend the service of 5th May 2019, which was my birthday but for some reasons I couldn't. However. I went on the next Sunday and from there the things changed.
On the first day I was nervous. I wasn't there for repentance but His calling. I won't exaggerate but I felt His presence. I wasn't there because of the verses of Holy Bible, congregation, fellowship or the sermons of any pastor. I was there because He called me there. Therefore, my faith is in Him alone and is not dependent upon any element of this world.
And then things began to change. I was able to recollect myself and stand. He gave me the courage and made me fearless. He made me realize that the size and pockets of my foes were hollow and that there was no reason to be afraid of them. It was the moment when I realized that it's Him who was guiding me. He also made me realize the power and importance of righteousness. If your means and intents are right, then it doesn't matter how huge, how wealthy or how resourceful your foes are, they can never defeat you. I faced the most ugliest people one after the other, yet I was never afraid of them. I failed their purpose, the purpose of getting me defeated.
He made me realize the value of both righteousness and justice. To find justice for myself through righteousness. Though righteousness is difficult and it takes time to get things done through it but then it extends a perpetual relief in the end and I strongly believe in it.
He made me realize the importance of being grateful. Being grateful is peace. When I started to be grateful for what I have, I realized that I have more than my foes and they are the ones who are actually restless.
He made me realize that one must always give a chance even to the worst of their foes. I opened the portals of my home for them and invited them for a conversation over a cup of coffee. This was the best that I could have done. But, they all escaped it, for they were afraid that how would they be able to face me about the lies that they've been speaking for several years. It takes courage to talk over a table. Being rash, abusive, rowdy and escapist is easy.
He made me realize that it doesn't matter how bad anyone would be, you must never take help of any unlawful means for your defense, for it is not needed.
He made me realize that He is the only way, which in truth. Everyone is perplexed with their respective set of troubles and mostly there is nothing much that one could do about them. But, giving up and not trying are one of the biggest sins. I'm not this sinner, I try.
He lessens your troubles by giving you the courage to stand stout against them, handle them and face them. This is what His company helped me with. My faith is in Him alone and not through scriptures, congregation, fellowship or pastors. I know that Christians find it weird and even not in line with the conventions but then I have the courage to speak my truth.
He has given me the courage to come this far and I will not surrender or retreat from here. He has given me both the best and tough days, but I only express gratitude in my prayers to Him. I do not ask Him for anything, I do not complain and I'm never wishful in my prayers. Like what Matthews 6:31-34 says -
Therefore do not worry saying - What shall we eat or what shall we drink or what shall we wear ? For after all these things are Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
I can firmly say that I've experienced Him in my life. I hardly ask for help or narrate my problems to anyone and those who know me, they know it well. But amazingly, He sent some really beautiful people to rescue me in my difficulties. All of them were from the other faiths. May be He had a very strong message in this too, that humanity is still alive and it is not limited to any faith. Something, that I strongly believed, for I belonged to a liberal family which wasn't staunch about religion.
He has His ways and if it has anything to do with His ways, it comprises good people, good intentions and good faith.